Traffic Reports
I just made the Verge of Cumming to Buckhead drive in record time for a morning commute. I know, I shouldn’t get used to it, especially with the start of school just around the corner. I’m sure I’ll bitch more about that when it happens.
So as I’m hauling ass past the Haynes Bridge exit, one of the three members of WSB Radios Triple Team Traffic team(?), pops on the radio and tells me that GA400 begins to back up at Haynes Bridge. Not so fast my friend! (I can’t wait for football to start) I just blew past that exit at 70mph. Now, I recognize that 400 typically backs up around Haynes Bridge this time of the morning, but today, that is the furthest thing from the truth. In fact, I barely had to slow down at all during my 25 mile commute.
Do these traffic guys even pay attention to what’s really happening on the roads or do they spout out the same nonsense every morning just so they have something to say? I’ve often thought traffic reports were nothing but a huge crock anyways. All they do is try to sugar coat the fact that traffic sucks ass. I would love to hear this one morning:
Radio Guy: “Let’s go to our eye-in-the-sky-traffic-guy and see how the roads are looking this morning. What’s the commute look like for our listeners?”
Traffic Guy: “What? Am I on? Oh… yeah, we’re in Atlanta dipshit. Traffic sucks. What do you expect? Pack a lunch. I need another drink. Where’s my cheeseburger?”
Radio Guy: “Well there ya have it guys, business as usual on the Atlanta highways!”
I just wish traffic reporters would actually give you news you could use. Like, alternate routes maybe? How about bars nearby with happy hour specials? Anything would be better than the same ol’shit.
I don’t know how to wrap up blog posts.
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July 26th, 2007 at 9:36 am
“Traffic Guy: “What? Am I on? Oh… yeah, we’re in Atlanta dipshit. Traffic sucks. What do you expect? Pack a lunch. I need another drink. Where’s my cheeseburger?””
I would like to hear that one too Dave! Especially on the afternoons I am sitting on a highway between work and home because a bunch of idiots have to stop to look at the wreck that is on the opposite side of the road.
July 26th, 2007 at 11:59 am
I agree about the alternate routes thing; but so many people are directionally challenged, I think that would cause things to go from bad to worse.
I am friends with the guy who does the traffic for B98.5 (JD), and he says that they look at traffic camera feeds and stuff like that to give the latest info. I think they are kind of limited though; because if you aren’t expecting traffic in Atlanta, you are seriously delusional anyway.
July 26th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
Exactly, my point is, traffic reports don’t do anyone any good.
July 26th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
If bar and restaurant owners were smart, they’d start advertising “rush hour specials” as opposed to “happy hour specials.” I can hear it now…
“Steve: MAN!…traffic sure does suck today. I sure wish I could be sucking down a few cold ones instead of being stuck in this quagmire (Giggity! Giggity!)!
Announce: And now you CAN, Steve! Feel like tying one on instead of sitting in crappy Atlanta traffic? Just jump off at Northridge and join us for $1.50 drafts at whatever the hell restaurant/bar it is that I’m hawking right now. By the time you’re thoroughly buzzed, traffic will be nothing but an unpleasant memory. And with the roads all cleared up, you’ll be able to drunkenly weave your way home without the constant nagging threat of running over the poor bastard in front of you!”
Steve: “Sweet!”
Now THAT would be refreshing!
July 26th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
That’s really not a bad idea…
July 26th, 2007 at 9:42 pm
I found long ago that the traffic reports were unreliable. It got to the point where I could predict when they were bullshitting.
#1 rule: don’t get off the highway unless they are announcing all lanes are blocked for whatever emergency. Those reports you can trust.
#2 rule: don’t abandon the hwy for rain/weather, b/c that’s what everyone else is doing and all of the surface streets are packed. Stay on the hwy, you’ll be better off.
When I was at GSU there was a report of a fallen tree blocking courtland @ GSU. I instinctively knew it was BS, probably hours old, and went there anyway. It looked like the tree had been gone for hours and they were still announcing it as blocking the road.
You just can’t trust these motherfuckers. They all sound like a bunch of washed up alcoholics anyway.
I hate these assholes.
July 27th, 2007 at 6:58 am
That’s really good advice BugBoy. I remember hearing on the radio how 400N was nothing more than a parking lot, I took my chances and hopped on anyways. It was completely desolate… I made record time home. So who’s worse at doing their job, traffic guys or weathermen?
August 19th, 2007 at 12:35 am
You make a good point! One of my personal pet peeves was the fuckin’ traffic dick that keeps talking about “RPS” (Residual Pinhead Slowdown) or rubberneckers.
Hey…traffic reporting assholes!! The law in GA says that you MUST slow down AND move over when there is an accident and police/EMS/Fire is on the scene. That also goes for the other lane even on divided highways.
Traffic guys are failed DJs who couldn’t even nail the hyperkinetic blow-job fodder from the “assistant” or “intern” pool.